Why The Idea of “Growing Up” is Nonsense

I read BNT’s recent post The Hardest Part Of A Journey Is Coming Home by Brendan Moran and found myself quietly, emphatically nodding along. Especially to bits like this:

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Maybe I’m naive, but I was hoping for a “eureka!” moment on the trip where all of the sudden my life would make sense. I would find my calling and hopefully some peace.

Maybe I’d be on a boat somewhere watching the sunrise, or laying in a hut listening to frogs chirp outside: something cinematic.

While nothing quite like that ever happened, after a year away, I think I’ve become a different person. I’m more sure of what I want and less angry. I take better care of myself and I feel more in control.

… and this:

While we were gone I tried to stay unplugged and happily ignorant about pop culture and other non-weighty matters, and now that I’m back, I realize I should have done that a long time ago.

My interest level for “shallow things that do not matter” remains below zero.

Then, right at the end, Brendan pulled the rug out from under me:

The hardest part about travel isn’t coming back, it’s staying back. Sure, we can always take smaller trips that last a few days or weeks, but I can’t shake the idea of another long odyssey.

Responsibility keeps wanting to get in the way. Bills, a wife, and no money are waking me from my dream of riding a motorcycle across Asia.

I just don’t want to grow up yet.

Huh? The phrase “grow up” has always made my teeth itch.

What exactly does it mean? What’s the predefined, socially accepted, neatly-wrapped-up-in-a-cardboard-sandwich-box definition? Is it having a mortgage? A BMW? 2.3 kids? The perfect dog and a white picket fence? Sitting behind a desk for forty years in a perfectly starched, collared shirt and tie to feed your 401K in the hopes that maybe – just maybe – you’ll have enough saved to travel the world when you’re 65?

Mike on New Year’s Eve

My girlfriend, her family, and more of my friends than I care to count seem to think “growing up” and “being responsible” are somehow synonymous. And it seems they’re not alone as Brendan’s wife would agree:

I just don’t want to grow up yet. A point of view lost on my wife who wants a family, a house, and no motorcycles. One can still dream, right?

To what and whom are we ultimately responsible? My only responsibility is to ensure that I and – to the extent that I have any influence – my family and friends are happy and healthy. Nothing more.

If one is happy with the aforementioned “grown-up” or “responsible” life with a BMW and a desk job, so be it. But if my personal happiness is found in a vague ’round the world itinerary and a one-way ticket to [fill-in-the-blank]-istan, what right does anyone else have deeming me irresponsible?

Aside from my parents, I haven’t told anyone of my RTW travel plans. But I know enough of my coworkers, extended family and girlfriend’s family to foresee the inevitable eye-rolling and know that their responses will be a collective mix of disbelief and tsk-tsk “You’re throwing everything away” condemnation.

The disbelief will of course only last until the moment they’re waving goodbye to me from a terminal at Logan Airport.

The condemnation on the other hand runs much deeper. And it all circles back to their limited ideal of what “growing up” is and the notion that it’s somehow irresponsible to step outside “the norm” to find happiness. I can’t see how anyone can be so narrow-minded as to think that there is some singular, objective goal of happiness towards which everyone must strive.

Why can’t they just accept another person’s choices, however different from their own those choices may be? Why must people be so judgmental of others?

I’ll never live vicariously through my own dreams or attempt to live up to someone else’s ideal of happiness. I, for one, reject the notion of “growing up” and I’m forever hanging up that phrase on the hat rack of hollow, meaningless lexicon.

As for responsibility, what could be more responsible than casting aside every thing and every place you’ve ever known for the opportunity to travel the world and see and do more than you ever dreamed possible – all in the pursuit of happiness? At the end of the day, that’s the only responsibility we have to ourselves and our families.

Founding Editor
  1. Important ideas raised in your blog. Before I comment I should suggest that your wife will have a happier husband once he is gliding through the world on two wheels. I can’t say enough for the energy and heightened awareness you get while riding a motorcycle (or Vespa scooter in my case). Assuming you aren’t riding something so loud that it functions purely to communicate “look at me, look at me, look at me…”

    But I digress…

    Growing up. I shiver at the idea. For me growing up implies resignation and acceptance of a life preprogrammed and outlined by someone other than me. It’s not a place I want to be if I can help it. I don’t think it has anything to do with being responsible or productive. It is more akin to a spiritual and living death.

    That sounds sort of harsh.

    Anyways, glad I stumbled upon your blog.

    Steve Williams
    Scooter in the Sticks

  2. Hi Mike, I think a lot of the condemnation comes from people who are protecting their own way of life. They see that you are rejecting their choices for yourself, and that makes them defensive. This is a common reaction to people who reject consumerism in general, not just travelers.

  3. glad brendan’s article stimulated some discussion! i agree that the definition of “growing up” is currently tied to the idea of a house, white picket fence, 9-5 job, etc, but i don’t think that’s what it has to mean. your idea of responsibility to friends and family is valid – but i think growing up is about extending this circle of responsibility, to include others. not to conform to what they want you to be, but to help make others lives better when you can.

  4. I read this and thought of you, Mike:
    http://www.startbackpacking.com/1-a_single_step.html

    “Like a twitchy convict that just discovered a tunnel under his bunk, I kept my findings to myself and starting building a plan. I made a conscious effort to slow the bleeding of money from my account on useless toys. When I was in private, I started researching exotic destinations on the internet. Soon, I was quickly becoming consumed by my escape plans. For 7 years I had been a rat in a never ending race, and I had finally discovered that someone had left the door open on my cage. Quickly, my happiness and my bank account began to build up and on one bold evening I set a date.”

  5. I largely agree. I’ll stick with my own motto: “Whatever you do, make sure what you do, makes you happy”.

    It goes deeper than you might think. Basically you have to ignore all pressures – media, family, peers etc and work out what really makes you happy. That is harder than you think.

    It also changes so you keep having to rethink. The other problem is I can live my life with absolute abandon and then at 60 realise I have no pension. I am not sure if that will make me happy then.

    I think all you can do is try to live without regrets. Do what you want to do and if you pay later you have to take it in good grace and off set it against the memories.

    I don’t want to grow up either – if it involves DIY, decorating, weddings, conversations about kids’ schooling, investments etc

    But at the same time I drink and party less than I used to – for no other reason than it bores me. At 36 my pleasures are more simple.

  6. For me growing up implies resignation and acceptance of a life preprogrammed and outlined by someone other than me. – Steve W.

    Steve, though that sounds harsh, I agree that that’s what most people would consider “growing up”. Blech!

    This is a common reaction to people who reject consumerism in general, not just travelers. – Stacy

    That’s a good point, Stacy. My parents just bought a BMW and, while I’m happy for them because it makes them happy, I’m largely unimpressed. Five years ago, it would’ve made me envious. Now – I know there are simpler, cheaper, and more permanent pleasures in life. I tried explaining to my mother that my want for travel has made me more of an anti-consumer. She seemed perplexed.

  7. i think growing up is about extending this circle of responsibility, to include others. not to conform to what they want you to be, but to help make others lives better when you can.

    – Ian Mack

    Ian, I think this is the most succinct way to put it that makes any sense to me. The problem is I don’t think most people see it this way. I think, it’s in many ways tied to consumerism and “stuff”, rather than the intangibles that provide true happiness.

    The wonders of technology allow me to stay just as close and able to better my families’ lives from anywhere in the world as I would back home.

    When they deride my want to travel at thirty years of age as irresponsible, I think it stems from their questioning why I’m not buying a house, “settling down” (another phrase that I’d like to hang up on the aforementioned hat rack), and generally following the same path to “growing up” that they chose.

  8. I’m glad you enjoyed it, Mike. Hopefully his feed will be added soon. In the meantime, I’m exploring his site, finding little treasures like the one above.

  9. Man, did this post ring home.

    It’s the most bizarre damned thing in the world; people get out of school, make some money, pop out some kids and then buy a house in the ‘burbs…it’s not necessarily something they want, just something they do.

    Borrowing from Fight Club, “we work jobs we don’t like to buy shit we don’t need.” Too often Americans wind up bored and painstakingly waiting for retirement, wondering where the hell their life went. This pattern seems widely acknowledged, yet few do anything about it.

    You’re right to rail against this, and good on you for standing up to that external pressure – it’s a hard thing to do, especially when it means parting ways with loved ones. But this life is the only shot we get, and it makes little sense to follow a safe, straight line until death.

    By the way…did you say that you hadn’t told anyone about your RTW trip except your parents? Does that include your girlfried – is this a solo mission?

  10. I think all you can do is try to live without regrets. Do what you want to do and if you pay later you have to take it in good grace and off set it against the memories.

    – ourman

    Ourman, you always get me thinking and I love hearing how you and others a tad bit older than I compare your mindset now to your mindset when you were my age. I know it’s the closest thing I have to a looking glass into the future.

  11. This life is the only shot we get, and it makes little sense to follow a safe, straight line until death.

    – Ben

    Well said, Ben. So true.

    By the way…did you say that you hadn’t told anyone about your RTW trip except your parents? Does that include your girlfried – is this a solo mission?

    – Ben

    I’ve been meaning to write a post about this very subject for a long while because it’s been the most difficult part of my decision to leave.

    I have told my girlfriend about it, but she doesn’t want to join me and is in denial about my leaving alone. I know she thinks I won’t follow through with it. It’s weighing heavy on me because I really want to enjoy the time we have together, but at the same time I somehow feel responsible for “leading her on”. I need to give this some more thought and try to put it into words.

  12. I love this. there was a great article in USA Today last week about how extended life expectancy has really impacted how/when we hit the “milestones” in life. marriage/kids/buying a home, etc. I 100% agree w/ whoever said its not the coming back it is the staying back. i’m so ready to plan the next adventure. i feel stuck between two worlds the house/car/family world and the go/do/see world.

  13. i feel stuck between two worlds the house/car/family world and the go/do/see world.

    -Funchilde

    I’m definitely with you there. I haven’t even left for my trip and it’s so hard being constantly pulled in both directions. In my case, everything and everyone I know is constantly pressuring me into the former. While all I can think about is the latter.

  14. Our parents and loved ones ultimately just want ‘the best’ for us. Sometimes unfortunately that means they want us to conform to what they think is best, and that means marriage, 2.5 kids and a volvo in the garage. They worry if we don’t have a good job, we’ll end up destitute on the street. They think that travel is irresponsible because it means not having a steady job. Taking a different tack in life does open us up to criticism from those closest to us, especially when it means living our lives differently. Jimi Hendrix in a song sang “I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” Pretty much sums it up really.

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