Vagabondish Citizen of the Week, Dead Giveaway Edition

2009-11-02 VB - IowaMorons
© CNN via

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Another week draws to a close and, as we do every Friday, we pause here at Vagabondish to consider some of the brighter jewels in this glittering diamond mine we call Earth. This week’s candidates: the Belgium one-legged man who stole a single shoe, the central Pennsylvania pothead with weed stuck to his head, the masked Iowa duo with permanent marker disguises, and the South Dakota bank thief who listed “robbery” as his official occupation. Composed of international heist masterminds, this group is not.

These gentlemen are exemplary for the bevy of singular and subtle virtues they display, each in his own quiet way. So while you might point out that the Belgium man should have stolen two shoes to avoid narrowing the suspect list to a single person, have you considered that maybe he was just conserving resources? Waste not want not! And sure the South Dakota guy made a de facto admission that landed him in prison for four years. But are we so far gone as a culture that we no longer admire honesty? And the Pennsylvania pothead who kept his weed in his hat – and then lost it because it got stuck to his forehead, at which point it was spotted by a cop – well he was… actually he’s just an idiot. But nonethless we’re awarding this week’s trophy to the two Iowa morons, if for no other reason than because they’re morons:

Police received a call Friday night that two men with hooded sweatshirts and painted faces had tried to break into a man’s home in Carroll, Iowa. When police stopped a vehicle matching the caller’s description blocks away, they were stunned by the men’s disguises. There were no ski masks or stockings pulled over their heads; instead, Matthew Allan McNelly, 23, and Joey Lee Miller, 20, streaked their faces with permanent black marker. Carroll Police Chief Cayler told CNN the strange disguises made it easier for his officers. “We’re very skilled investigators and the black faces gave them right away,” Cayler said jokingly.

If you’ve ever seen a cartoon burglar, the reason he uses coal to darken his face is so he can wipe it off afterward. Cartoon burglars aren’t even real. They don’t even exist in our reality. And yet they know enough not to use permanent markers for masks. But the salient “what if we get pulled over” consideration apparently escaped these two citizens. We emphasize “citizens,” by the by, to remind you that each of their votes counts as much as yours. See you next week.

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