I want to like The Travel Channel‘s Andrew Zimmern; I do. He has all the right avuncular qualities about him: he’s pudgy, he’s bald, he’s quirky. He’s got very pinchable cheeks. And he’s entertaining in a “Hey, look at my crazy uncle!” kind of way. Unfortunately that only takes one so far, especially in the land of TV hosts.
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For the life of me, I cannot make it through an hour of his Bizarre Foods. And I think I’ve been able to isolate why the show irritates me so much.
First off, it’s a shameless rip on No Reservations. TTC recognized the winning formula in Bourdain’s show and they’re trying to capitalize on its test tube twin. I think we can all agree on that. But there’s always room for more travel and culinary adventure shows in my book, so no harm/no foul there.
The difference is that Anthony Bourdain is self-deprecating and doesn’t pad his shows with a lot of hoopla about what he’s eating or how exotic it is. He just does it, quips why he likes or dislikes it, and moves on. It’s easy to empathize with that kind of traveling – take everything in stride and just appreciate it for what it is.
Zimmern, on the other hand, constantly feels the need to over dramatize everything he does. “Wow, I’m really eating scorpions. Isn’t that soooo weird?!? Look at me! Whoopadeedoo!” (Actually, he’s probably never said “Whoopadeedoo!” but you get the point.)
Yes, Andrew, I get it: I know you’re eating exotic foods. That’s why I tuned in in the first place. You don’t need to waste valuable air time by needlessly reiterating how crazy and adventurous you are.
Last, and definitely not least, is the lip smacking. Seriously. I think I may have a certifiable condition whereby the sound of someone smacking their lips and tongue while they eat makes me want to punch a puppy. I don’t know what it is, but that sound strikes a nerve so deep in my body that I often need to pull myself back from the brink of violence every time I hear it. (This is going to be a real problem when I travel to Asia, I know. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
Last night’s episode was the straw that broke the culinary camel’s back. The smacking reached epic proportions. It was like a symphony of gluttony, as though the show’s editors put it together just for me. I’m not even sure where the show was located. I was too busy trying to scratch the deafening cacophony of slurping and smacking from my auditory canal with a kabob skewer.
At one point, I actually screamed at the television: “Close your F**KING mouth!”
In light of this, I’d like to pose this brief, open letter to The Travel Channel:
Dear Travel Channel,
Please replace Andrew Zimmern with … anyone else. ANYONE.
Howie Mandel. Even Richard Simmons. Or … no … that Billie Mays guy from the OxyClean infomercials. I’d rather listen to his strangely intoxicating sales pitches while he eats cobra hearts in Thailand, et. al.
If my above recommendation is not feasible due to contractual obligations, then I would like to formally recommend that you mute all future episodes of Bizarre Foods and provide smack-free closed captioning of the entire script.
Sincerely Yours in Food & Travel,
Mike in Rhode Island
On Behalf of the Viewing Public