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It’s raining on both coasts and freezing everywhere else in the US, so naturally we’re all in search of a little pick-me-up. After reading the conclusions of our weekly contest you’ll be able to think to yourself “sure it’s so cold that I’ve been unable to have a complete thought in the last two weeks, but at least I’m not stupid enough to ask police for help finding my stolen weed. Or my stolen ecstasy. Or to be my BFF.”
So now that we’re on our way, let’s formally introduce our contestants for this week. There’s the Dutch man who reported to police his stolen stash of 2,000 ecstasy pills, amassed over two decades. Then there’s the Kansas couple – yes, two people thinking together – who did the same thing except in their case it was stolen marijuana. There’s the door to door pot salesman who unknowingly ended up knocking on a cop’s door. And then there’s the gregarious international fugitive who, in addition to posting Facebook status updates describing his location, took the extra step of friending a former Justice Department official.
It was an incredibly tough choice this week. We can eliminate the Kansas couple because they just did what the Dutch guy did, except with less commitment. The pot salesman had some pretty compelling qualities – stupidity – but if that’s going to be the criteria then the fugitive is the more attractive candidate. So in the end it came down to the Dutch ecstasy collector and our social media aficionado, and our panel of expert judges gave it to the Dutch guy. His decision to report the loss of 20 years of careful collecting, you see, was a humanitarian one. We genuinely almost kind of feel bad for the guy, who really does seem nice enough:
A man who said he spent two decades collecting Ecstasy pills of all colors and shapes as a hobby has turned to police for help after they were stolen ”” because he said some of them are poisonous. Police say the 46-year-old man, who was not identified, decided to report the theft despite the illegal nature of the collection because he was worried about the possible consequences if anybody were to swallow one of the poisoned pills… police said they fear the drugs could be lethal if swallowed.
“That’s really the main reason he came to the police,” said police spokeswoman Esther Naber, adding the man “knows he’s not going to get his collection back.” A report in De Volkskrant daily Thursday said the man claimed he was not a drug dealer or user. “I’ve tried it before but didn’t like it,” the report quoted him saying. “My passion for collecting comes from the varied collection of colors, shapes and logos that are printed on the pills.” According to a police statement, the man gathered the pills over a 20 year period and carefully stored them in coin collecting folders.
See? We can’t even find it in our hearts to mock a guy who reported stolen ecstasy, because he comes off as guileless and sincere. How melodramatic! We’re blaming the rain, and we’ll see soon for another contest.